The Second Dragonboat

Initially I thought I would have trouble recruiting 20 people for this year's boating, especially as I had encountered various problems with my town bureacracy. However, at the mention of the phrases 'unlimited alcohol' and 'floor orgy' the masses soon showed up.

We made it the Dome Party on time and received vouchers entitling us to food and booze. The later especially contributed to general feelings of completeness and harmony. I decided to mingle with the locals.My shougakkou kids greeted me with the traditional, time-honoured greeting reserved for ALTS since the inception of the JET program- that is, they stuck two fingers up my arse. Personally, I have to say I have always found the Japanese propensity for enemas somewhat disturbing-after all, who needs that kind of attention from somebody not well-lubed? The act is very suspicious; and it has occured to me that it is darkly symptomatic of some unholy malignancy lying deep within the heart of Japanese culture.

Or maybe they just like enemas.

I also let those same kids have free reign with my electronic dictionary- thus widening their vocabulary to include 'piss', 'poo' and `snot'. Being pleased with my contribution to international understanding, I went on to raise pulses when I was coerced into joining the libidinous traditional dance on display. (Later that night I heard Jesse, drunk and happy, accosting the shy Japanese boy I invited to my house, "Teach me the sex dance!!Teach me the sexdance!" Tanozo replied "I don't know!I don't know!""Uso!!" responded Jesse). There is one other incident worth mentioning at the Dome. At one stage the Kagoshima governor, having found his view of the stage blocked by a mass of gaijin surrounded by giggling school girls, sent an attendant to disperse the offendants. Mike Richter, drunk with third-year Jet cynicism, said to the attendant something along the lines of "Tell that overpaid seat warmer to get off his fat arse if hewants to see. This is not a Russian snack bar, youknow".

Having spread love and joy all around us, Jets fromKagoshima and Miyazaki congregated drunkenly at theneighbourhood Lawson, where the staff were so confused by so many gaijin they began giving out chopsticks with beer and heating up orange juice in the microwaveoven. About the final party at my luxurious abode I drank somuch alcohol the only thing I remember for sure is that I spent an inordinate amount of time licking Lauren's breasts. Admittedly she wasn't wearing them at the time, but the more people passed them around the more I couldn't resist. My fascination with her ichi-en clad armoured bazongas can probably be explained by the fact I was bottle-fed as I child. OrI could be just perverted and sick. What do youthink? By the way Sam Farmer, did not, at least to myknowledge, expose her breasts. I do have a vague memory that Dan was speaking gibberish. For example: Me: How's it going Dan? Dan: Those horses lips get me growing, dig! Me:Pardon? Dan: As with coccoon, man. Lipsickle's whales had them preserendipitously...

The actual dragonboat races the following day went offwithout too many hitches. Clouds in the morning cleared up as the day went on. The guys were up first, and with confidence and the benefit of hundreds of training hours we powered our way towards...last place. Mike Richter eschewed the morally and creatively bankrupt typical slow drumbeat and followed his own private rhythm, providing a truly inspirational melody."Why is our drummer on acid?" asked Leon. The ladies team also performed well, and I breathed a sigh of relief when both teams made it safely to the starting line instead of drifing off to the middle ofthe river like...usual. The Miyazaki Jets also reported an improvement on last year because nobody was masturbating as the women were getting into theboat. That's right. Last year, apparently, a local lad had been unable to resist the urge to pull out his 10-inch, blue-veined red-cherry-topped honey stirrer and give it a good thrashing.

I have to admit there was one moment that was unmistakably sexual, at least for me. When the nurse team was coming in to land, getting out of the boat, dripping with water...well...when that happened, thenurses' uniforms combined with Mindy's soft goldenlocks, Lauren's armour-clad breasts, and former AJET president Ellen's legendary gravity-defying posterior, and I...SAW...GOD.

Well, thanks everybody for coming, I hope to see youall next year.