Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Why soccer is stupid

Soccer. Football. Call it what you will. Loathe it, despise it or just plain detest it, it is truly a game only an insane world could love.

And here are some reasons why:


1. It is boring.

Paralysed by a total lack of scores, stultified by the tedious monotony of endless ball passing, soccer's moribundity is matched only by the boredom of the spectators, who must relieve their own agony by brutally bashing each other, setting stadiums alight, assassinating referees and testing the human limits of alcohol consumption. The only sport where you know what the final score will before the beginning of the game, soccer is testimony to the powers of human endurance, a monument to imbecility almost greater than the Iraq War. The fatal flaw, supreme above all its other faults, will always be the scorelessness. It is the Achilles Heel, the sad dreadful reality underlying all the highlights and desperate, sagging commercials. And it leads inescapably to the next reason why soccer is awful.

2. It lacks reliability.

Because of the low (read neglible) scores, soccer lacks the statistical validity to actually qualify as a sport. In a pastime where the underdogs upset the champions so regularly, it is impossible to quantify which team is better on a given day. With a score (if you are lucky) of 1-0, a replay of the game is almost as likely, statistically, to result in victory for the other team. The better team cannot actually be determined from the game. This alone should be argument enough for the abolition of the sport.

The lack of reliability in soccer compares fatally with sports such as cricket, where over 5 days the better team will, pretty generally, come out on top. Of course, soccer players do display some skills, which makes them all the more pitiful (if that were possible) when their skills are not recognised by their sport.

3. It lacks validity

A soccer game is rarely a true measure of the playing skills of both sides. As well as there being very few points scored, those 'goals' that do occur usually come from penalty shots, corners etc. These opportunities rarely result from skill and are usually the outcome of luck or, even more frustratingly, from deliberate attempts to cheat the system through diving, forcing a penalty etc. Even worse, as so many games end with no score at all, we are left with the ludicrous practice of a 'penalty shootout', each incidence of which must surely stir thought 0f rebellion in even the most thuggish and unthinking soccer fan, who must be aware, on some level, that their very humanity, the essence of their soul, is compromised by the assertion of their mouths that this is a valid way to finish a competitive sporting activity.

4. It's degrading

As if penalty shootouts were not ignobling enough, soccer players have invented the dive. Scared babies crying for their mommies after they fall over. Over powdered dolly-boys crying wolf after every real or imagined offence. This loathsome, slimy practice would, in a civilized world, be punishable by whipping. Its continual practice in soccer reflects more tellingly upon its culture than anything else. How is it possible for a real human being, an individual with any developed sense of justice or humanity, to still respect themselves after having been witness to it? The very thought of it is degrading to everthing that is human within us. This sad, diseased and pathetic habit reflects so poorly on its practicioners and the spectators who submit to it that the sum value of global culture is reduced substantially; it compares so disfavourably to real sports which value endurance or the tolerance of pain such as rugby or cricket that the mere existence of soccer brings shame upon the world. How could such a sport exist on the same globe as Ricky Ponting playing on after being cut open by a Pommy bouncer, or Jonah Lomu running onto the field missing both kidneys, hundreds of bones, and a leg?

5. It enables Australia to disempower less privileged countries.

As if being the greatest sporting nation in the world were not already enough, and among the top few nations, despite our small size, in cricket, rugby, rugby league, swimming and hockey, there is a determined push to make Australia a soccer world power. Thank God, this push has not as yet been successful. If it were, Australia's success would be at the expense of such worthy cultural and economic rivals as Uruguay or Iraq. Personally, I think Iraq has enough to worry about without losing a World Cup spot because Australia suddenly got satellite TV and realised that the rest of the world was kicking a white ball and pretending to fall over, and decided that if the rest of the world could do that, Australia had to as well. Talk about cultural cringe! All the other sports not enough, dearie? Still doesn't make up for not having any Nobel Prize in Literature winners apart from a dense and unreadable Patrick White? It all comes back to being convicts and the Poms never forgetting doesn't it? So we have to beat them at their own game now that they have given up on the cricket. Too bad it has to be at the expense of countries like Uraguay, who don't have rugby or swimming or rising house prices to succour them, who fight malnutrition and rabies and dictatorships and hordes of flesh-eating zombies- Hey! Why not take away the only thing they're good at as well!

6. It's UnAustralian

Yes this is a big one to put out there but there is no doubt about it. Australian values are irrepairably undermined by soccer culture. Valued Australian traits such as honesty and fairness, destroyed by the dive. The understatement and reserve so typical of our character, exploded by the ostentatious and demeaning displays of triumph when the ball finally goes in- where is your modesty, young man? Our national character traditionally had a healthy distaste for excessive display- true worth did not need to be advertised.
Ethnic and national rivalries brought into a country that prides itself on its tolerance- riot anybody?

7. It's dehumanising

Soccer prides itself on avoiding the use of human abilities. Hands- the quintessential human appendage- are actually prohibited from use. (Soccer fans claim this is why it's called football, which raises the question: what sport is the goalkeeper playing?). With no hands comes no hand-eye-coordination and no opposable thumbs. Very little human activity at all in fact. Added to this is the notable lack of the higher human mental qualities- nobility, sportsmanship and honesty; you are left with a brutal, animalistic, and illogical sport whose only redeeming feature and the source of its popularity is that it costs nothing and requires no equipment to play.



I believe I have conclusively shown soccer for what it is. A tedious, grim sport which measures neither the skill of it players nor of its teams. A brutal, nefarious and dishonest pastime whose continued existence not only degrades humanity as a whole but in paticular demeans Australia.

I await your response

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Living in Australia, your perception of the actual game of football is a little flawed. Australian football is extremely below par. I am a huge football fan and have tried to watch the australian league.. but it is terrible. i can see why u have such a hatred for the sport.
Watch some european football, its much better and actually is a great sport(better than cricket)

However i do agree with the diving aspect, thats not good to see.

Jaume said...

Great post. Now you only need that hundreds of millions of people who are devoted football fans realize that you are actually right. Good luck!! :-P

Ralf said...

If you want a total reliable sport watch tennis. You can mathematically calculate, that an opponent which is only 10 percent better (to get the next point) will win the match in 95% of all cases.

While in soccer, because of the rather low amount of goals per game, typically three, the underdog still has a chance. Even if one team is four times as bad, it still has a 10% chance to win.

Which I think is a good thing. Because it brings an element of freshness and surprise to the game and avoids that one team "rules them all" and wins every year the championship.

Anonymous said...

OK so you're Japan post was one thing. But seriously soccer is stupid... It's unaustralian??? What does that even mean... I'm no patriot, far from it, but really..... Tell you what, how's this for your next post, over weight Aussie's are a burden on the health system....
I agree with the first comment on this. Clearly you're not a football fan to begin with.
But frankly any sport that encourages people to get out of the office and stay fit and well has my vote, I don't care what it is.

Anonymous said...

Oh BTW Iraq??? They beat us you fool, how good do you think that made the poor buggers feel.... I felt fantastic for them when they beat us. Why deny them the opportunity. Exactly which nations have we beaten to a pulp, in the last decade? Let me think... none, We only just scrapped through against Uruguay to get into the world cup, and Iraq beat us in the Asian world cup so I don't see your point?

Richard Wilkins said...

So you would prefer Aussie Rules hey?

The game where they reward you for missing...

The game that gives 4 points for a win, and 2 points for a (rare) draw... Obviously Aussies are too backward to have heard of lowest common denominators...

Mature adults can see the virtue in a low scoring game, only those with short attention spans need to see a goal scored every 5 minutes.

However, the penalty shootout is indeed an abomination, and diving is a blight on the game; you got that much right :)

Tokyo resident said...

Horses**t

Thor said...

There is just one point in your whole article that i can agree with :i.e. what u said regarding Penalty Shootouts. yes, they are the stupidest things in Football...but do u have a better suggestion?

Soccer is in my opinion one of the most energetic and nail biting games in existence. In this game, the concept of team is WAY more important than the concept of the individual (unlike in cricket).

And regarding the fouls and stuff, If u are asking the players to stop fouling, you might want to try asking them to stop breathing as well. fouls happen in every game. One cannot distill the fouls out of the game and leave the 'essence' of the game untarnished.

Motorology.com said...

You are crazy... and Wrong.

Hunter said...

A bunch of empty arguments and lame attempts at dry humor with not one valid point... you fail. I want that 3 minutes of my life back.

Anonymous said...

Well...at least it's better than American football. Now THAT's a loser sport.

Anonymous said...

you know......if you want to advertise why soccer is stupid you shouldn't do it on a website that's about Japan!! And if you want people to agree with you, you might not want to make it so boring cuz it put me to sleep!!! So shorten it up!!!

Anonymous said...

you know......If you want to advertise why you think soccer is stupid, you shouldn't out it on a website that is about Japan!!! And if you want people to agree with you, you shouldn't make it so boring and so long!! So shorten it up moron!!

Anonymous said...

And whoever said that american football is a loser sport, they are the losers!! fOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE HOT IN THOSE TIGHT BOTTOMS!! Soccer is the most gayest sport ever.

Anonymous said...

captain, ur dochebaggery is quite comical.

Anonymous said...

The article was kinda lame, but I agree soccer has had its time & should start to be diminished. The flopping and rolling around on the ground is pussy. The game is just keep away back & forth and maybe a goal or two. American football is "chess" using human meat on the field. It is the best sport of determining the limits human capabilities.

I grew up playing soccer/futbol, american football, tennis, baseball, basketball...without a doubt, none compare to american football. no competition tests human limits more. Most soccer/futbol guys that bash american football, never played it. It's a fact.

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